I've been spending a lot of time on the computer lately; trying to sell some things on Ebay, setting up my WorshipTheRock page, updating my Facebook page, and monitoring my MySpace Music page. I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but right now everything seems to be very good for me and my family. I'm about to graduate in December with my teaching degree (and hopefully start teaching in January), I'm leading worship on Wed. nights for a wonderful church that treats me very good and on Sunday for my home church which also treats me very good. This sometimes makes me feel very uneasy and I'll explain why. I started leading worship when I was 19 years old (I'm 32 now), and for almost 11 years and in almost every situation I was basically used for my talent and thrown away whenever I did something that the church/ministry didn't agree with, or I made a mistake. I always thought that the church was supposed to be a place of healing, a place that valued people above everything else, including reputation, money, and all the material things that churches seem to value in reality. I came very close to giving up completely on the church, even though I never gave up on my love for Jesus, these situations made it very hard to love the church when they were continuously sucking out the marrow of my spiritual existence, and were never there when I needed them the most. I have gone through a lot of healing over these issues and Jesus is still working on me and thankfully allowing me to lead others in worship as this process is going on, He is so awesome that it sometimes blows my mind. I'm scared that because of being hurt in the past, that I'm damaged goods, and my current churches will eventually do the same thing. I'm learning more and more to trust Jesus with everything, even an unknown future and unknown places. I don't have Christian parents that I can talk to, and sometimes things get so overwhelming that I can't handle it, and other times things are peaceful and wonderful and I sit and wait for the other shoe to drop and disaster to strike. I'm praying for Jesus to help me, to make me more of a confident father/husband/leader, and for me to be the example for others rather than looking for examples around me to follow. I know I'll get there someday... I'm not where I want to be yet, but thank Jesus I'm not what I used to be.