Worship Leaders Network | Worship Leader Forum | Worship Leader Resources & Jobs
what to do when your faith disappears.
The setup
I've always said that my faith is unaccounted for. I've never truly questioned whether God exists as I've always just "had" faith it was true. I gave my life to christ when I was 4, had a hiccup at 13 and recommitted at 18. I'm now 27.I felt like I heard from God quite a few times, have led services and led worship for 7 years at a lively church in Coventry UK. I've been a committed and active christian for what seems like an awfully long time now. I studied worship at Nexus academy of Music Ministry and have a pretty good knowledge of the bible, theology etc.
about me
I describe myself as an all or nothing guy. I give myself 100% to what I believe. In fact, I find it hard to be anything other than 100%. I get frustrated and down when things slow up. I recognize this as both an asset and a little destructive.
I'm creative, and have a moderate intelligence level. Meaning I question everything, make assumptions and tend to think I'm right.
I can admit when I'm wrong. I'm one of those annoying people who will argue full force abot something, then as soon as I'm proved wrong, I will admit it and recant. People who take things really personally find this annoying.
I'm fairly emotionally detached. I have trouble regulating my emotions (because I can be hyper emotional) this means I look at most things coldly logically because I know I am prone to emotionalism.
But lately...
After the birth of my first son, I took a step back from the worship team. It felt quite weird, but I saw it as a time to chill out, get things in order before I stepped back in.
As soon as I stopped leading, I felt a little lost. I figured it was just an opportunity to spend more time with God.
I felt like God took me on a real journey to overcome some habitual sin in my life. I built it up to be something very special. God really did seem to set me free from something. Or .. at least, Using principles I'd learnt from scripture and with the support of other christians I managed to regulate my habitual behavior.
Then I started to notice how human the worship at our church was becoming. It just felt like everyone was speaking very spiritually about things which really had most of their explanation in human emotional/psychological and physical means. Prophecies in the church (not just the one I attend) were falling short of the mark and didn't seem to get really tested. There was no outrage. It was accepted.
I started to really evaluate what was going on within myself when I worshipped. I got really lost trying to find what was real and what wasn't. And what really shocked me, was that nobody else seemed to care. Everyone seems happy to attribute positive experience to God and talk down or excuse the failures, let downs and unanswered prayers.
I delved deeper into what was real and what wasn't. I actually got asked to lead a sunday morning service at the last minute. I prayed for Gods guidance and when I didn't "hear anything" I decided I would simply put no effort in, in fact I spiritually sabotaged the preceedings, threw in random songs and did absolutely no prayer. Surely, a spiritually discerning church would immediately pick me up on this.. The result was quite the opposite, many people came to me and said it had been the most powerful service they had experienced for weeks.
Commence more confusion.
Now I was still managing victory over my habitual sin, and decided I desperately needed for God to reveal himself to me, to prove that this wasnt just psychological, That God really cared whether I sinned or not. Surely God would answer a simple request for help, for him to send someone, something.. anything to prevent me from simply slipping back into sin. The result, was a spectacular fall back in to sin. In fact, areas of my life which I left behind a long time ago (such as smoking) came back in to my life.
so then I stepped outside the paradigm
So following all of this, I decided to step outside the paradigm of faith. What happens when you coldly and logically look at the reality before you? It seems that when you are in the paradigm of faith, everything can be explained. Everything is part of Gods plan, good or bad. But as soon as you step outside the paradigm, and ask the difficult questions, it all seems to fall down like a pack of cards.
What I know
I'm very close to not really believing anything. I feel let down by church in general, by wishy washy christians, I feel self deceptive, like my own experience can't really be a guide, as I'm so easily led, confused etc. I feel let down by God, who I assumed would race in and rescue me and I feel. I feel VERY skeptical, spirituality seems to me to be a lot of hype.
And yet
believe me when I say this, I am desperate for God to reveal himself. For all this to be real and for me to have some sort of foundation again. I'm just a little lost
If you're replying
I really appreciate anyone who has any thoughts, but if you're not ready for me to question what you say then it's probably best not to bother.
cheers.
Paul
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Greg Moore on -
Oh, yeah (I just smacked my forehead) -- Peter, Paul and Mary!
-
Permalink Reply by Teresa Kathryn, T Ballard on -
well i bet that didnt feel very good
-
Permalink Reply by Greg Moore on
-
But sometimes it loosens up old information.
-
Permalink Reply by Teresa Kathryn, T Ballard on
-
well that way of loosening information hurts
-
-
Permalink Reply by Junjie on -
I can't answer a lot of what you brought up, but this part I've got something to say "...in fact I spiritually sabotaged the preceedings, threw in random songs and did absolutely no prayer. Surely, a spiritually discerning church would immediately pick me up on this.. The result was quite the opposite, many people came to me and said it had been the most powerful service they had experienced for weeks."
I'd say it was because for whatever reason you threw out the flesh from the preparation. You put the whole thing such that you had no reason to count on your own piety to make things work. And the end result? God had more room to move than usual, because at least the worship leader wasn't patting himself on the back for how 'spiritual' he was and how much God owed him for that!
I think other people will give me more grief for what I said than you would, Paul! Anyway, I've got a friend who lost his faith and only got it back again with much difficulty. A lot of what you describe sounds a lot like what he went through. I can't give you any cheap or trite answers, but I have a feeling that you will make it through some how or other. I wish you well in your journey! :)
-
Permalink Reply by Greg Moore on
-
Paul -
I agree heartily with Junjie's analysis. The people discerned the presence of the Lord in the service you had "non-prepared". That experience happens fairly often with me.
That doesn't discount the overall value of preparation, skill, prayer, and thoughtfulness; but sometimes those normal arteries of life get all plaqued up, and you have to bypass for a time. Yes - I also feel you will make it through with flying colors!
-
Permalink Reply by Precious Toe Ngwu on -
Hi there, the first step u took by coming back is great. We as worship leaders, take the presence of God to the people at time we do not understand what is actually happening but people are been bless by the way we are worshipping God.
You need a personal relationship wit the Father. Sonship, is you and I Lord show me your ways and your will, I want to walk in your steps. Draw me close Lord to know you for myself. Moses was wit the children of God, saw great things happened, he even spoke to God face to face but he felt that something was missing. He said to God, show me your glory, and he had been sing this glory wit the people. Read the book of Exodus. You know were u are locking, not your solution wil be the word of God; Job 29v21, Romans 8v3, Exodus 33v18. Pray for the Holyspirit to fill all the emty spaces in your life. You need to have a me time wit your maker and trust me you wil be more that a worship leader went God is done wit you.
I have my experience dear, I was 19 when I got pregnant wit my daughter and was not married, I sang in the choir. But because of the cause of pregnancy, I was told mot to sing in the choir anymore. That broke me and I felt that I have lost it all. But what has put in you no man can take it away no matter what. Now it was the word of God and few good pleople that understood my situation help me back on my feet. I stay in His presence all my days because I would have died if He was not carrying me in my darkest day. For 1 year nobody cared about me, I lost all hope. You are okay my dear all is wel. Is a long story.
- ‹ Previous
- 1
- …
- 6
- 7
- 8
- Next ›
Welcome to
Worship The Rock - Worship Leader Forum & Social Network
Providing worship leaders with a worship leader social networking community of worship pastors, worship leaders and team members. Worship leader resources on WTR include worship set lists, worship leader forum, worship groups, worship leader jobs, popular worship songs, worship blogs from worship pastors, worship events, festivals and conference listings, a place to chat about all things worship related, videos and photos. WTR aims to resource worship leaders in the best possible way - by providing free worship leader tips and training resources.
© 2013 Created by Phil Williams.
