I've always said that my faith is unaccounted for. I've never truly questioned whether God exists as I've always just "had" faith it was true. I gave my life to christ when I was 4, had a hiccup at 13 and recommitted at 18. I'm now 27.
I felt like I heard from God quite a few times, have led services and led worship for 7 years at a lively church in Coventry UK. I've been a committed and active christian for what seems like an awfully long time now. I studied worship at Nexus academy of Music Ministry and have a pretty good knowledge of the bible, theology etc.
I describe myself as an all or nothing guy. I give myself 100% to what I believe. In fact, I find it hard to be anything other than 100%. I get frustrated and down when things slow up. I recognize this as both an asset and a little destructive.
I'm creative, and have a moderate intelligence level. Meaning I question everything, make assumptions and tend to think I'm right.
I can admit when I'm wrong. I'm one of those annoying people who will argue full force abot something, then as soon as I'm proved wrong, I will admit it and recant. People who take things really personally find this annoying.
I'm fairly emotionally detached. I have trouble regulating my emotions (because I can be hyper emotional) this means I look at most things coldly logically because I know I am prone to emotionalism.
After the birth of my first son, I took a step back from the worship team. It felt quite weird, but I saw it as a time to chill out, get things in order before I stepped back in.
As soon as I stopped leading, I felt a little lost. I figured it was just an opportunity to spend more time with God.
I felt like God took me on a real journey to overcome some habitual sin in my life. I built it up to be something very special. God really did seem to set me free from something. Or .. at least, Using principles I'd learnt from scripture and with the support of other christians I managed to regulate my habitual behavior.
Then I started to notice how human the worship at our church was becoming. It just felt like everyone was speaking very spiritually about things which really had most of their explanation in human emotional/psychological and physical means. Prophecies in the church (not just the one I attend) were falling short of the mark and didn't seem to get really tested. There was no outrage. It was accepted.
I started to really evaluate what was going on within myself when I worshipped. I got really lost trying to find what was real and what wasn't. And what really shocked me, was that nobody else seemed to care. Everyone seems happy to attribute positive experience to God and talk down or excuse the failures, let downs and unanswered prayers.
I delved deeper into what was real and what wasn't. I actually got asked to lead a sunday morning service at the last minute. I prayed for Gods guidance and when I didn't "hear anything" I decided I would simply put no effort in, in fact I spiritually sabotaged the preceedings, threw in random songs and did absolutely no prayer. Surely, a spiritually discerning church would immediately pick me up on this.. The result was quite the opposite, many people came to me and said it had been the most powerful service they had experienced for weeks.
Commence more confusion.
Now I was still managing victory over my habitual sin, and decided I desperately needed for God to reveal himself to me, to prove that this wasnt just psychological, That God really cared whether I sinned or not. Surely God would answer a simple request for help, for him to send someone, something.. anything to prevent me from simply slipping back into sin. The result, was a spectacular fall back in to sin. In fact, areas of my life which I left behind a long time ago (such as smoking) came back in to my life.
so then I stepped outside the paradigm
So following all of this, I decided to step outside the paradigm of faith. What happens when you coldly and logically look at the reality before you? It seems that when you are in the paradigm of faith, everything can be explained. Everything is part of Gods plan, good or bad. But as soon as you step outside the paradigm, and ask the difficult questions, it all seems to fall down like a pack of cards.
What I know
I'm very close to not really believing anything. I feel let down by church in general, by wishy washy christians, I feel self deceptive, like my own experience can't really be a guide, as I'm so easily led, confused etc. I feel let down by God, who I assumed would race in and rescue me and I feel. I feel VERY skeptical, spirituality seems to me to be a lot of hype.
believe me when I say this, I am desperate for God to reveal himself. For all this to be real and for me to have some sort of foundation again. I'm just a little lost
If you're replying
I really appreciate anyone who has any thoughts, but if you're not ready for me to question what you say then it's probably best not to bother.