Please critique

All feedback welcome

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13554162

On The Holy Mountain                  

 

Verse 1

How I’m longing to see the day

Where the wolf and the lamb will stay

Where the goat and the leopard lay

And a child shall lead them

 

Verse 2

There the cow and the bear will graze

See the ox and lion eat hay

How with them an infant plays

For no harm shall seize them

 

CHORUS

On the Holy Mountain of the Lord

On the Holy Mountain of the Lord

Nothing will harm

Nothing destroyed

On the Holy Mountain of the Lord

 

Verse 3

When the world is as it should be

When all nature will live in peace

When all men fall on bended knee

Glorious His Kingdom

 

CHORUS

 

BRIDGE

The earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord

As waters cover the sea

A banner for humanity, every nation will rally

Jesus Messiah, Root of Jesse

 

CHORUS

 

 

©2017 angela dittmar

Angel Flower Music LLC

angelflowermusic.com

 

Isaiah 11:6-10

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All right, so lissen, I wrote a whole bunch of notes about this and then I started thinking, "well, what do I know?"  So here's what I wrote down, my reactions, but I may be way off base with this, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately...

I like the recurring structure and the way the whole lyric ties together to make a statement that is nailed down nicely in the chorus. Just reading it, some of the lines felt a little forced... I don't know if it would work or not, but if it was mine, I might try it as "where A wolf and A lamb will stay, where A goat and A leopard lay." I know the biblical reference is "THE lion and THE lamb," but, I dunno, for some reason it started feeling a little weird when some of the other animals came in.

The music (is that Band In a Box I hear?) seems a little old fashioned (like, sixties folk hymns or the old Motown "girl groups"), but I see from scrolling through some of your other songs that you work in a whole bunch of styles.

There are some words in the lyric that are sung kind of uncomfortably - "lion" in verse 2, "will rally" and "Jesse" at the end of the bridge... there are ways to tweeze the lyric so that they sing more comfortably - "the ox and the lion, eating hay," for instance, and I think a song in this type of style, that's important, that there aren't any speed bumps like that.

Umm, would I consider using this one with our worship band? I think I'd pass on it, just because the music is a little too "oldies" for what we're doing. If we did use it, I think I'd want to work on the vocal phrasing, try to make it sound a bit more contemporary, and maybe drop the bridge, it kinda goes off topic a little bit and I'd want to keep the focus tight. Having tumbled onto some of your other songs on soundclick, though, I suspect I could find something of yours that would work for us.

On that vocal phrasing thing, I'm not sure I can explain this, but instead of singing it "(rest) how I'm longing to see the day... (rest) where the wolf..." if it was mine, I might try singing it like, "(how I'm) LONGing to see the day... (where the) WOLF and the lamb..." so that LONG and WOLF hit on the 1 beat. Not that that's exactly modern, the Beatles did it in "From Me To You," but I think it would have more of a flow to it...

By the way, if that is BIAB I hear, are you fairly current on your version? They have a lot of newer styles that get more interesting rhythmically, but at some point - BIAB 2011 - you had to upgrade BIAB to use the newer styles. For my own recordings, I generally use BIAB to do the drums and maybe a keyboard part, but then all the other instruments I do myself so I can add more feeling.

Anyway, hope there's something useful in all that...

Hi Charles

THANK YOU so much for taking the time to really listen and crit.

I see what you are saying about "The" and "A" . Not sure if it will make that much difference.

Yes the "LION" in verse 2 is sung differently and I agree - I should tweak that

I do not use BIAB. but I did use the drum patch on a KORG keyboard .

All the other instruments I played one line at a time on the Korg. I really do not "Play" any instrument, so it is a one note at a time thing and so it does not have the feel you get from live playing.

Thanks for looking at my soundclick, and I do write in a variety of genres. However, all my songs still sound 50's and 60's - be it rock, ballads, country, or pop. I guess I am just stuck with those melodic tones.

on this

On that vocal phrasing thing, I'm not sure I can explain this, but instead of singing it "(rest) how I'm longing to see the day... (rest) where the wolf..." if it was mine, I might try singing it like, "(how I'm) LONGing to see the day... (where the) WOLF and the lamb..." so that LONG and WOLF hit on the 1 beat. Not that that's exactly modern, the Beatles did it in "From Me To You," but I think it would have more of a flow to it...

Yes I hear that. I will fix that

I really don't know how to make it sound more modern. Not sure I would want to drop the bridge.

But I will be re-working it!

and once again, thank you!

Blessings

ang :)

Hi Charles

THANK YOU so much for taking the time to really listen and crit.

I see what you are saying about "The" and "A" . Not sure if it will make that much difference.

Yes the "LION" in verse 2 is sung differently and I agree - I should tweak that

I do not use BIAB. but I did use the drum patch on a KORG keyboard .

All the other instruments I played one line at a time on the Korg. I really do not "Play" any instrument, so it is a one note at a time thing and so it does not have the feel you get from live playing.

Thanks for looking at my soundclick, and I do write in a variety of genres. However, all my songs still sound 50's and 60's - be it rock, ballads, country, or pop. I guess I am just stuck with those melodic tones.

on this

On that vocal phrasing thing, I'm not sure I can explain this, but instead of singing it "(rest) how I'm longing to see the day... (rest) where the wolf..." if it was mine, I might try singing it like, "(how I'm) LONGing to see the day... (where the) WOLF and the lamb..." so that LONG and WOLF hit on the 1 beat. Not that that's exactly modern, the Beatles did it in "From Me To You," but I think it would have more of a flow to it...

Yes I hear that. I will fix that

I really don't know how to make it sound more modern. Not sure I would want to drop the bridge.

But I will be re-working it!

and once again, thank you!

Blessings

ang :)

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