since I'm new to this forum, I'd like to first introduce myself. I am a musician, songwriter and have performed for over 30 years. I have taken several songwriting classes and attended master songwriting clinics with major artists. I'm really just "a hobo with a guitar" who has been told by my wife and I quote...
"you write good songs but I don't like your singing voice." :-)
So before I give any feedback, I want you to realize that it's all a matter opinion and if there's anything I say that can help please accept it as helpful; and if I say something you don't agree with (because you know what you are trying to say in your song and I am only reading it from my perspective, without hearing a melody) then throw it away. Often the melody will determine the phrasing of the words and help you find alternatives to lyrics. Play around with several ideas and see if you can't make them the very best that you can. . for example (how the words flow from one to another) when you say "in thirty AD" - vocally the last syllable in thir TY then the very next syllable is A .. I am having to jump from the TY to the A in a unnatural way.. it doesn't just flow. Keep subtle things like that in mind as you work the lyrics into the melody. (but it could just be how I'm interpreting)
(maybe).. Helping those in need > Helping those He finds in need
With master minds he studied well.
He also had some things to tell. / I think you can re-work these two lines and make them better
Live it right and let your love shine thru. > ....... and let my love shine through
V5 - Change this verse to a Bridge (unlike the verse/ different melody, different chords)
Hope I've been somewhat helpful!
Could you post an mp3 of you just playing & singing this song? It would help take away the guessing.
I have attached the mp3 copy of "L am..." as requested. Thank you for the helpful feedback.
Just want to encourage you to simply post your lyrics in the text of your discussion. Nobody likes having to download a file and open what may have a virus. It is also good that if you have a music track that you include it in your original discussion post. I see you have added it in a comment.
Regarding the song, one of the first things you will want to consider is that your lyrics should maintain the same perspective. In other words, you start out singing *about Jesus*, and then you change that to *singing as Jesus* in the chorus. Pick one of those perspectives and stay with it throughout the entire song.
Thanks for sharing your song!